I for real can’t think about my party on Saturday without tearing up because (almost) everyone who is important to me will be under one roof eating, drinking and having a great time, and I do not know what I ever did to deserve such good fortune.

some of my iPhone notes from the last few months:

- July 21, 8:21pm: “the biggest lie I tell myself is ‘no one cares about you.’ For a moment I believe it.”

- July 13, 3:04pm: “what wines goes best with chopped liver??? (I am the chopped liver.)”

- June 9, 12pm: “BE DELIBERATE”

- May 10, 9:45am: “Before you react to what I have to tell you, keep in mind how adorable I am.”

- May 9, 10:09am: “Would I ever admit to loving a man who preferred another woman over me? L i t e r a l l y never.”

5 things:

1. This week I was obsessed with this song and video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp1i75BXV50 Beyonce not only looks and sounds amazing in it (duh), but the unrestricted emotion she conveys in this performance is exactly the kind of shit I live for and love to see in artists. I get chills. I love the drama of her performing this song in a wedding veil while on tour with her husband who possibly (probably) cheated on her - watch this video and imagine being Jay Z. I absolutely love that she lets herself be this vulnerable and emotional (“I can’t stop crying,” she sings), then sticks up for herself (“I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good / Like I couldn’t do it for you like that whack bitch could”). It’s just very human of her and I respect that. 

2. I went to the beach yesterday with the “salt water cures” mentality in mind. Not that anything was seriously wrong, but I’ve been spending a lot of (too much?) time with my family and I love them, but I needed to be alone. Packed a sandwich (smoked turkey, fresh mozzarella, pesto, spinach on sourdough bread) and just took off. It was warmer than I was anticipating because the Apple Weather app is a liar. Growing up, we used to go to the beach every Easter. That was our thing. We would wake up at dawn in order to get to the beach early enough to reserve a picnic table near the BBQ pits and just stay there all day, swimming, eating, drinking - these are some of the most cherished memories I have. I sometimes forget that not everyone lives near the coast and that some! people! have! never! been to the beach! I took this for granted growing up, but I appreciate it now and I feel better, all around when I am near the sea. Anyway, yesterday was beautiful. I had to climb a GIGANTIC hill in order to access the beach and almost died, but it was worth it. 

3. One of the very first memories I have is from when I was maybe 5 years old; I was playing outside my grandparent’s house. My sister and I used to jump off the porch onto the lawn, over and over. We liked to feel the momentary danger of being mid-air, with nothing between us and our bodies but hard earth. One time I misjudged the jump, tripped over the edge of the porch and landed flat on my face, busting open my lip and I think I got a black eye. All I remember is my mom putting a wet washcloth to my lip while my aunts and sister stood around me, and there I was, 5 years old, always theatrical and saying “IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE?” in between sobbing. They will never let me live that down. 

4. Your birthday comes around and it’s like “ok I have made it another year.” I would like to continue doing that. 

5. I want to say this and it’s a little esoteric so bear with me: the potential for pain is directly proportional to the amount that I make myself vulnerable. This is true when you are five years old and jumping off surfaces you should not be and it’s true when you’re 29, for all the various reasons life is infinitely scarier as an adult than it was when you were a child.
This is why people sometimes flat out refuse to take risks. I completely understand that because you can’t lose if you don’t play, and no one wants to lose. This is a defense mechanism and I am very empathetic to it. But, I have made myself vulnerable and in doing so, have handed over the hammer with which to nail my coffin shut. This is a dramatic way to look at things, but that is what it feels like (“IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE?” - that little girl never left me). My life is not the same life I was living this time last year and I am not the same person I was even four months ago. I have been trying, sometimes very aggressively, and other times very passively, to find peace in my heart for the very nature of life (“nothing lasts forever; everything is temporary”) for at least 20 years. I have not yet gotten any better at it. 

Was feeling guilty that I did not work out today, then the universe was like “ok you get to climb this giant hill in order to access the beach.” I almost died on this hill, y’all.