— Witches Midwives and Nurses: A History of Women Healers - Barbara Ehrenreich & Deirdre English (via mangoestho)
1. I am still reading An Untamed State. It is taking me so long because I keep having to put the book down to take deep breaths. And then I usually decide to just do something else instead of confront what is happening on those pages. I am a woozy person, my threshold for even reading about physical pain is extremely low. Each word was carefully chosen, like plucking fruit from a tree, the ripe ones only. It is very difficult to read what Mireille goes through, but I am plugging away because I know it will be worth it.
2. My Grandma told me once that when she met my grandfather she thought he was just “so-so” but she got pregnant with my mom and well…it is insane to me how one circumstance out of your control can change the trajectory of your life.
3. I drove a lot this weekend whereas normally I take Bart everywhere, and I realized that I don’t have road rage, what I have is a case of superiority with regard to other drives who are not on my level. I’m not joking, I am a perfect driver.
4. It’s important that I embrace rationality, logic and reality because I would be ruined by emotion otherwise. When I let my emotions get the absolute best of me, I realize I still have so much work to do.
5. Even though I once told myself I would no longer do so, I keep writing about my father because I keep wondering if writing about him will answer any of my questions about him. To date I am empty-handed.
Patrick Dubuque (Lookout Landing)
Read the rest: “77-59: Everything is as it should be”
1. For the last few weeks it has felt like the world was finally going to shit, just the way I knew it would. I have been quiet. I logged off Twitter for five days, everyone’s thoughts were too loud. There was so much bad news, every single day. I wondered, almost in awe at how things felt so bad so many days in a row.
I stood outside in the backyard one night last week while my dog ate his dinner and drank water from an old bowl we have been meaning to replace. I only intended on filling his water bowl then going back inside, but I set his water down on the cement and looked up, I don’t know why.
I looked up and the wind blew my tears from my cheeks. California has been what I needed it to be, when I needed it most. The sunsets, and the wide open spaces. The food, and my family and friends. I have been living in a town far removed from the hustle and bustle of a big city; I can see the stars perfectly. I had a moment. The world has always been this bad, it is just that now we are paying attention, so it seems even worse. I felt bad for calling the world shitty while staring up at the sky, innocent and just existing. The stars twinkling right in front of me, even as the planet below went up in flames. The juxtaposition is what made me come to my senses. Thank you, California for that night.
2. When I turned 18, dad disappeared for good. He showed up at my high school graduation party, dropped off a purple envelope that held a “Congrats Grad!” Hallmark card inside, and we didn’t see him again for several years. It wasn’t until much later that mom told us dad was living in the next town over all those years that the betrayal and feelings of abandonment started to sink in, even now as I think to myself, “god, there I go writing about dad again.” His mark is all over me.
His love for us was the kind that would follow me around in life like a shadow. The kind that keeps you awake late at night long after street lights have beamed their soft glow into your bedroom window. Thank you, dad for being the catalyst that introduced me to myself — a woman unmatched.
3. Thank you, M for being a positive, cosmic force in my life. You are good and true, and even when I’m doing you an injustice by worrying too much about the past, you are still good and you are still true.
4. THANK YOU BEYONCÉ FOR REAL FOR CONSTANTLY INSPIRING ME TO BE MY BEST SELF. You really meant it when you said, “You can say what you want / I’m the shit / I want everyone to feel like this.” Thank you for that night in December; it mended me and continues to be a gift, all these months later.
5. Thank you, east coast friends for remembering me. Thank you, west coast friends for letting me come back into your space and lives. Thank you, digital friends for being here and for understanding that without words I am just a girl with a foolish heart.