Patrick Dubuque (Lookout Landing)
Read the rest: “77-59: Everything is as it should be”
1. For the last few weeks it has felt like the world was finally going to shit, just the way I knew it would. I have been quiet. I logged off Twitter for five days, everyone’s thoughts were too loud. There was so much bad news, every single day. I wondered, almost in awe at how things felt so bad so many days in a row.
I stood outside in the backyard one night last week while my dog ate his dinner and drank water from an old bowl we have been meaning to replace. I only intended on filling his water bowl then going back inside, but I set his water down on the cement and looked up, I don’t know why.
I looked up and the wind blew my tears from my cheeks. California has been what I needed it to be, when I needed it most. The sunsets, and the wide open spaces. The food, and my family and friends. I have been living in a town far removed from the hustle and bustle of a big city; I can see the stars perfectly. I had a moment. The world has always been this bad, it is just that now we are paying attention, so it seems even worse. I felt bad for calling the world shitty while staring up at the sky, innocent and just existing. The stars twinkling right in front of me, even as the planet below went up in flames. The juxtaposition is what made me come to my senses. Thank you, California for that night.
2. When I turned 18, dad disappeared for good. He showed up at my high school graduation party, dropped off a purple envelope that held a “Congrats Grad!” Hallmark card inside, and we didn’t see him again for several years. It wasn’t until much later that mom told us dad was living in the next town over all those years that the betrayal and feelings of abandonment started to sink in, even now as I think to myself, “god, there I go writing about dad again.” His mark is all over me.
His love for us was the kind that would follow me around in life like a shadow. The kind that keeps you awake late at night long after street lights have beamed their soft glow into your bedroom window. Thank you, dad for being the catalyst that introduced me to myself — a woman unmatched.
3. Thank you, M for being a positive, cosmic force in my life. You are good and true, and even when I’m doing you an injustice by worrying too much about the past, you are still good and you are still true.
4. THANK YOU BEYONCÉ FOR REAL FOR CONSTANTLY INSPIRING ME TO BE MY BEST SELF. You really meant it when you said, “You can say what you want / I’m the shit / I want everyone to feel like this.” Thank you for that night in December; it mended me and continues to be a gift, all these months later.
5. Thank you, east coast friends for remembering me. Thank you, west coast friends for letting me come back into your space and lives. Thank you, digital friends for being here and for understanding that without words I am just a girl with a foolish heart.
Fuck me, I have stumbled onto the “skinny shaming” tag here on Tumblr and now I want to rip my goddamn eyes out.
If you are up in arms over Nicki Minaj saying “fuck skinny bitches”, it is my suggestion to take some time to examine why this upsets you. Then remind yourself that you still live in a world where thinness is an accepted standard of beauty. I have a lifetime’s worth of evidence that tries to tell me I am not good enough because I am not a size 4, we can trade.
Please curb your privilege.